It all started 4 years ago. I woke up one day and there it was, an inescapable desire for a baby to call my own.
Until then, scarred by my childhood I thought it wasn’t for me. But somehow having a puppy made me realize that I was capable of love and care. And my body decided to wake up.
I always thought the biological clock was something made up by Hollywood romantic comedies. Let me tell you, it’s real!
I stopped the pill and told the Scotsman that if he didn’t want a baby he’d have to take care of the contraception. He got angry, he wasn’t ready. But he didn’t do anything about it.
After a few cycles, things started to go wonky. Fast forward a year without periods, and I was diagnosed with PCOS, a hormonal disorder that means I don’t ovulate. Great!
Turns out there is a treatment that will help. Hopeful, I take it. The Scotsman still doesn’t change anything.
I got a cycle back and feel 100% better with the treatment I’m on, but still no ovulation, so no chance of getting pregnant.
And that desire for a baby just keeps on growing. I had told myself I wouldn’t become one of these women obsessed with fertility and their uterus but here I am, obsessing.
I’m 31, 31 is young you say. Well my doctor just gave me Clomid (to stimulate ovulation). If the first cycle doesn’t work, the Scotsman would need to do some exams too (he refused).
Then we try it for 6 months. If it doesn’t work, it means more tests. Then if that doesn’t help, the fertility clinic. Which would mean a fertility treatment in 2/3 years. Meaning I would be closer to 35. Meaning doctor thinks I need to try NOW so I can either have a baby or start on the heavy stuff before I’m 35.
I can’t help but feel like sh*t is getting real. Like it’s all spinning around me and I need to act. NOW.
Except. Well except the man in my life is not ready. Or maybe he doesn’t want kids at all. Maybe in 5 years. Yes he wants kids but financially it’s too much right now.
Except he keeps on changing his story and I feel like I’m on a merry-go-round.
And I never expected to feel this way but I’m afraid I’m at the point when I might have to leave the man I love, my family, to find someone else to have babies with.
Because either he is on board with this whole thing or he isn’t. Given the circumstances we need to act now. And if he’s not there to support me and he doesn’t want a family, I don’t have long to rebuild everything.
Nothing is more scary to me, I don’t want to start over. But I know that if I stay, and we don’t do everything in our power to make it work I will regret it for the rest of my life.
Me, the girl who didn’t want kids and didn’t understand the urge. I am now ready to up-heave everything in my life because my ovaries told me too.
I had planned on showing you a cute spring dress, and telling you that if I need foundation I should go with the color of the wall behind me.
But since my blog audience is small but kind, I get to get it off my chest. I get to write it down and make it real.
Thanks for reading